The Six-year-old Kid in You

Watching how my six-year-old nephew guoguo live his life was real fun.

One day, Guoguo showed the whole family his latest painting called My Garden – Night, it was beautiful. Dark sky, bright moon, big firefly hanging on a dead wood as street lamp, a small lotus pond, an over-the-river cottage for the fisherman, tree with birds as residents and a big piece of wood lying by the side. Then grandma asked “guoguo, why a piece of wood lying there?”, guoguo responded eagerly “it’s for the birds to keep food, they have put a lot of worms in the wood already so that they won’t be afraid of winter!” then everyone laughed. What a magic world in this little head!

“What would you draw for your garden? ” Suddenly my brother threw the question at me knowing I must have my own version since I won a drawing competition in my city when I was about guoguo’s age. Yes, I was quite talented then, and no, I have no idea what beautiful things to draw now, not even when I close my eyes. My garden is filled with files, proposals, clocks, cellphones, laptops…that’s with no smell, no taste, no feeling.

That night, I was sad. I have lost the little six-year-old in me.

Every time after I played with guoguo, he would surprise me out of the blue by kissing me on the cheek and yelled with joy “I love you, gugu!”. Or come to ask me to read stories while lying in me like I was his sofa, or blowing air softly on my wound to comfort me.

His small gestures and simple words touched my heart. Then I thought about myself, I used to do that to my mom when I was little, lying in my mom’s arms craving for stories; hiding in mom’s body in winter like she is the most warm and comfy blanket; holding and kissing her after she put on new dress for me…Now, those memories seemed to be so far away like time has created so much space between me and the ones I love. Same mom, same me, but I hardly hug her and tell her how much I love her.

Where has the little six-year-old me gone?

One day, guoguo told me “gugu, can I marry Lili when we grow up?”, “who is Lili?”, “my girlfriend in kindergarten.” “Oh, why do you want to marry her?”

“Because I like her, I like to play with her.” Guoguo said it while still playing with his lego set like the answer was so simple and obvious.

Yes, wasn’t that the simplest reason for love, enjoy the happiness of being with each other. But why the reason we had become so complicated when we became twenty-six : How much? How many? How big? How far? How old? How…..”

What happened to the six-year-old in us?

Many people learn soft-skills to be able to connect better with others, but little do we know how good we were at soft-skills when we were six, when we were able to tell what we truly feel! As we grow up, we are trained with logic, common sense, rationales and rules, we work by that, we made decisions by that, we even love by that. We think more but hardly feel; we live by head but hardly by heart.

The world will not stop for us, but it’s our choice to take a moment to relive the most innocent and true self – the little six-year-old in us, the source of our power and happiness.

一个关于倾听的故事

一个学员在上过沟通课后的分享中讲了这样一个关于成功使用倾听技巧的故事:
(在征求了她同意后,我想把这个故事跟大家分享。主人公叫小月。)

一天, 小月和老公在讨论拍婚纱照的事情时发生了争执,因为拍照的费用很贵,要1万多块,她跟老公建议:“我们为什么不把这一万多块省下来,1)能给你的相机换个比较好的镜头。2)剩下的钱还能给我们买些好看的以后也能穿的衣服。 然后,我们可以穿着新衣服在蜜月的时候多照些相,又省钱又省事,不是很好吗?”虽然老公好像也觉得这个建议经济实惠,但他总是找各种各样的理由反对,最后对话变成了这样:

“你的衣服够多了,还要买?!”
“你宁可把钱捐给影楼也不想给我买衣服?!”
“你为什么这么俗套?!为什么别人拍我们就一定要拍?!”
“不管怎么样,一辈子就这一回,就是要俗套!婚纱照一定要拍!”
“。。。。。。”

这样的对话模式听上去是否似曾相识?别着急,故事还没问完。

小月突然觉得沟通气氛不对,想到了沟通课上讲的“倾听”,她觉察到好像自己在谈话中一直只是在“听自己”(level one listening),不停地在辩解和说服,根本没有去听老公的真实想法,以至于把一件原本很美好的事变成了争吵,想到这里,小月决定尝试培训中学到了倾听技巧,她先停下来让双方都平静了一下,后来对话变成了这样:

“我知道了,拍婚纱照这件事好像对你来说很重要,能不能告诉我去影楼照相对你来说有什么样不同的意义?”小月试图压低声音问老公。
“因为一辈子就一次,我想经历每个人都经历过的事情,俗也无所谓。”老公的声音也缓和了一些。
“哦。。。”小月深切的看着老公,点了点头。
“还有其它理由吗?”小月又接着问。(因为沟通课上讲过这个”what else?”的powerful question)
“而且,你知道吗,我从很久以前就幻想着有一天我美丽的老婆穿着洁白的婚纱微笑的看着我的样子。”说到这里,老公的眼睛好像湿润了。
小月深深被老公打动了,好后悔自己刚才没有积极倾听。同时,她好像还从老公的眼神中觉察到了什么,便半开玩笑的说:“你老婆这么漂亮,给别人看相册的时候一定很骄傲吧?”
“你怎么知道的?!”老公瞪大眼睛,好像秘密被发现了似得。

这样的一次谈话让小月有了很大的触动,倾听后才发现,原来老公的理由是如此的合情合理。

在日常沟通中,不管是与家人、朋友,还是公司同事,我们看上去好像是在听别人说,但脑子里转的都是自己的理由,关注的都是自己的需求,也就是level 1的“听自己”,如果双方都在“听自己”,很容易会产生冲突,使矛盾激化,就像故事开始时候的小月,只有当我们将关注点开始往对方转移时,我们才能真正了解对方的想法,后来小月使用了停顿,目光接触,“哦”,点头等鼓励性的表示,总结和提问等level 2 listening 的技巧,关注的是对方,让老公感受到了她的关注和说话的空间,最终说出了他真正的想法。而且在最后,小月还用到了level 3 listening中的观察细节,利用直觉,“听出”了老公没有说出来的东西,进一步加深了双方的理解,有种心有灵犀的感觉。

这个发生在学员身上的真实案例再次证实了一个道理:只有积极倾听,才能使双方达成理解或共识成为可能。

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